hen I decided to get a head start on buying Christmas gifts, I knew exactly what I expected from online gift guides. Baskets of wine and cheese for my parents, JoJo Siwa themed clothes for my niece, designer colognes for my partner – the usual. Then I saw the Goop Christmas Gift Guide and things got a lot more interesting.
At first glance, this seems pretty normal: separated into categories ranging from kid-friendly couples ideas to wellness-focused couples ideas and NSFW. Then you dig deeper into your research and remember that these recommendations came from the same platform that endorsed the vaginal candle explosion and bee sting therapy. Let’s break down some of my personal favorites.
Fortunately, there is a category for gifts under $ 100 for those of us on a budget, although it’s mostly full of tats that you’ll find in a five-pound box of Christmas cookies with lavish adornments that no one asked for. A bottle opener will set you back $ 60 for example, and then there’s the $ 88 Marble Body Brush which is basically all you can find in Superdrug but with – yes – marble. However, it’s on the side that won’t touch your skin, so what’s the point? For the cooking enthusiast in your life, there is the option of an ox horn sculpture set (no, neither do I.) or you can go thousands of extra miles and treat them to a guided fishing trip by Alaska for $ 450 per person – minus flights, accommodation and all the other stuff.
For Absolute Squares there is the gift of a monthly mystery-solving subscription and on the opposite end of the spectrum, risk takers (or whoever you secretly hate) can be sent to swim with the sharks in Cape Town. or go to observe tigers in India.
The couple’s guide basically consists of the same sex toy but in different colors and finishes, pills called DTF which are herbal Viagra for women, then a red bow. No special hardware or USP. Just a bow. For $ 90. A guided meditation in the virtual tub will set you back $ 68, but I’m not sure how different that would be from downloading the Headspace app and performing a bath.
Then you have the ridiculous but awesome gift guide where you can gift your loved one with everything from psychic school to a stay in a mirrored treehouse in Sweden. A Home Alone experience will give you a taste of Kevin McCallister’s life with a pizza in the back of a limo and a stay at the Plaza. It’s not yet clear whether you can opt, for an additional fee, for the extra adrenaline rush of being chased by dangerous burglars. It’s really like someone has glued random objects and philosophical concepts into a hat and formed gift ideas out of whatever they get out of it.
There’s a lot to complain about when it comes to Goop’s set of premises and the ambitious wellness life he’s trying to promote at ridiculous prices. But look, Goop products are as much a must-have as a £ 600 Salt Bae steak, and therefore not the hill I’m willing to die on when it comes to class division. As a brand, it’s really campy, offline, and – let’s be honest – fun to poke fun at when you know none of the products are financially viable for you.
But between you and me, do I know where the Catskill Mountains are? No. If I had $ 3,000 in excess, would I still flirt with the idea of renting a cabin in the Catskill Mountains? Yeah, probably.
Would you buy something from the Goop Christmas Gift Guide? Let us know in the comments below.